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Funny But True Stories - 3

This is page 3 of of funny but true stories.

THE GREYHOUND INN - An old coaching inn dating from the fifteenth century NO COACHES - Inn Sign

A TRUMPETER'S INVOLUNTARY EXIT - Hustled away by Attendant. Seldom can a musician have met with such a reception as that accorded on Saturday night to the trumpet player of the Philharmonia Orchestra. As he rose to his feet in the topmost gallery of the Albert Hall to produce his fanfare for Beethoven's Overture Leonora No. 3, to his surprise, horror, and dismay he was seized by a burly steward and hustled towards the nearest exit. To his credit he remained trumpeting to the last and in fact battled his way back to his position in time for the second fanfare a few moments later .... The unfortunate man was so upset that he left the Albert Hall immediately and went home to bed. Yesterday, he asked that his name should not be given. - The Times

Friends of mine asked a hotel for a quiet room overlooking thp river. The hotel provided one with a tranquil view over the gentle stream, the water meadows and the bridge. They did.not mention, however, that the bridge was going to be blown up by demolition men at a quarter to seven the next morning. - Punch

When examined by the Divisional Surgeon, defendant was very abusive and when asked to clench his teeth, he took them out, gave them to the doctor and said, `You clench them.' - Woking Herald & News

MAN FOR SALE - PRICE: $60 SYDNEY, Wednesday - A 34-year-old widower with four children, a furnished house at Newcastle, New South Wales, and a car, has offered to `sell' himself in marriage to a woman willing to pay him $60, the newspaper Newcastle Sun said today. The man says the woman should be between 28 and 36, `No beauty queens need apply'. - Evening Standard

Business might be better at the Pomfret Spirit Shoppe, mused proprietor Bernard Patenaude, if only the cars on Route 169, between Pomfret and Woodstock, Conn., didn't tear by so fast. So he had a big sign painted: SLOW DOWN NUDISTS CROSSING AHEAD Motorists slowed to a crawl. Some even turned around and crawled back. Business boomed at the Pomfret Spirit Shoppe. But the state police said no. There was a law against private citizens telling motorists to slow down, and besides, the sign was too close to the road. Proprietor Patenaude pondered about it all winter. This week he has a new sign ready for installation along Route 169 - farther back from the road, but bigger: WATCH OUT NUDISTS CROSSING AHEAD. - Time

IT'S ALL SO STUPID, SAYS PUZZLED BILL Bill Foyle found out the official distinction between lions and love-birds when he took over a I6-acre derelict farm at Crayshill, Billericay, Essex. He cleared away buildings along the front, then applied to Basildon council for permission to build stables and a den for his five-year-old pet lioness, Lena. Consent for the stables was given. But, said the council, planning permission was not needed for the lion's den as the animal was classified as a pet. So, taking this for his cue, Mr Foyle also put up a k3oo aviary for his other pets - doves, budgerigars, peacocks, and pheasants. Now Mr Foyle has been ordered by the council to demolish the aviary within seven days - because it was built without planning permission. `I shall appeal against the decision, but I have no intention of pulling the aviary down. If they push this issue I shall just move the birds out, buy another lion and put it in the aviary. Then I shall be all right.' - Daily Express

`BODY IN BOOT' CAR CHASE A woman reported to Southend police today that she had seen a car being driven at Leigh-on-Sea with what appeared to be a body protruding from the open boot. Police found the car - with two legs sticking out of the back. They belonged to a garage mechanic trying to trace a noise which was annoying the driver. - Evening Standard

The plaintiff, giving evidence, said that when he was on the crossing in Chertsey Street, Guildford, he heard a shout. He turned and saw the cow coming pell-mell round a corner. It trampled over him and continued on its way. He did not think it deliberately went for him. MR PATRICK O'CONNOR, for King Bros., submitted that the person in control of a tame animal mansuetce nature - and a cow was undoubtedly tame - was not liable for damage done by it which was `foreign to its species'. He would seek to prove the cow attacked the plaintiff; if that were so, there was no liability. H I s L O R D S H I P - Is one to abandon every vestige of common sense in approaching this matter? COUNSEL - Yes, my Lord. The hearing was adjourned. The Times

As the storm which ravaged the south blew itself out last night a full-scale air-sea rescue operation was ordered in the Bristol Channel for the survivors of an air crash. All shipping was warned to look out. Coastguards watched. Lifeboat crews stood by. A Shackleton crew at R.A.F. St Mawgan, Cornwall, prepared to take off as soon as the weather cleared. But the alarm was called off - when police traced the distress call to a road roller on the M5 between Almondsbury and Cribbs Causeway, six miles north of Bristol. The driver, unable to work in the storm, had signaled to his mates two miles up the road: `Mayday. Weather terrible. Am ditching for tonight.' The international distress signal was picked up by radio ham Mr Ray Smith of Patchway, Bristol. He rang the police, the police rang the airports .... A spokesman for Gloucestershire police said last night: `The driver who sent the message is an ex-R.A.F. radio operator.' - Daily Mail

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Prevent accidents
- start doing things on purpose

If you want to read more stories like this, you will find them in the Graffiti - the amusing writing on walls category.