Scottish Jokes - 2
This is page 2 of Scottish jokes.
One summers day, an American visitor to a Scottish seaside town went into a bar and asked for a whiskey on the rocks.
The barmaid said, "You can take it out onto the rocks if you like, but make sure that you bring the empty glass back."
"What do you mean," said the American. "On the rocks - I want ice with it."
"This isn't the season for ice," said the barmaid, "You'll have to come back in January."
Woman in butcher's shop: "what's the cheapest meat that you have?"
Butcher: "Whale meat, madam."
Woman: "How much is it".
Butcher: "Thirty pence a kilo."
Woman: "Well give me a quarter-kilo, and can you throw in the head, for my cat."
My wife was the last of 5 Scottish sisters to marry, the confetti was filthy.
Hear about the skeleton that wore a kilt?
It was Boney Prince Charlie.
A Scot from Aberdeen was on holiday in London and every night he returned to his hotel full of the wonders of the city. So much so that another guest asked: 'Is this your first visit?'
'Aye, it is.'
'You seem to be having a great time.'
'Aye, I am that.'
'Good.'
'And what's more, it's not just a holiday. It's my honeymoon as well.'
'Oh. Then where's your wife?'
'Och. She's been here before.'
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Here is a randomly selected joke
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks."Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar." You can find more jokes like this in the Jokes About Pets category.
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