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Jokes About Drunks

A selection of jokes about drunks. For example - ''Surely you're not going to drive that car,'' said the policeman, advancing on the motorist who had just staggered out of a bar. ''Well, offisher, do you think I'm in any condition to walk?''

I drink to forget - but I've forgotten why.

I never drink unless I'm alone - or with somebody.

Two drunks were riding a roller coaster, when one turned to the other and said, "We may be making good time, but I've got a feeling we're on the wrong bus."

One private asked another: "How did you manage to get arrested by MPs, Mac?"
"Well, I was out very late on a binge with a friend and he advised me to take off my uniform and shoes when I got to the barracks, and sneak up the stairs quietly so that if the sergeant sees me he may think I was just visiting the head."
"So what?"
"Well, when I got upstairs I found I was on top of a bus without any clothes on."

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" The cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.

Here is a randomly selected joke

Knock knock,
Who's there?
Heywood.
Heywood who?
Heywood you open the door?

You can find more jokes like this in the Knock Knock Jokes category.